It’s hard to believe it has been nearly 3 years since my diagnosis with SLE lupus. And even more difficult to believe it’s a year this week that I had my mild stroke. But what truly get me, is that for the past 4 years, since I started getting sick, I have had to fight for every inch of medical care I received. But you know what? I am thankful for all of the doors that were closed on me! It has made me a stronger person!
I remember a time, early in my illnesses, when I would walk into a doctor’s office and almost immediately get kicked out. I would be told I was too complicated. On too many medications. Was told my problems were in my head and that I needed a good psychiatrist. Doors were literally slammed in my face. I had doctors screaming at me. I would leave the office in tears after having yet again begged for help. At the time I was lost, lonely and afraid.
And then there was treatment after treatment that failed. It seemed like no matter what I tried, or put my body through, no medication was good enough. Eventually, I ran out of medicinal options other than comfort measures. I was terrified as to what my future would hold. I was scared I was going to die young and very soon. I had lost all faith, not only in the medical system, but in God as well.
I was broken. In despair. Wondering why I was going through all of this and what God’s plan was for me.
Then, this week I realized it has been one year since I had my stroke. And besides being left with some right sided weakness and a few cognitive issues, I am pretty much ok. I survived that. And despite my health declining for the past year, I have a pretty good medical team in place now that understands my plight for as normal a life as possible. And I had the realization that I was thankful for all of those doors that were slammed shut on me by the doctors and not finding a medication that worked. Then I wondered who I had to thank for all of this and I realized it truly was God and His plan working out for me!
God has had me on this path for some time now. I am still unsure of His reasons, but I am just going with the flow now. I realized that every door slammed in my face, every “NO” I heard, every medication that failed was not just another door closing, but it was opening the door to another opportunity. Plus it was making me a stronger person and a better advocate for myself. I was learning slowly how to stand up to these doctors and ask for the testing I needed. I started researching my symptoms like crazy and having possible answers before I even saw the doctor so they would know how invested I was into my health care.
If God had not put me on this path, I wouldn’t have had the courage to make the phone call to the stem cell clinic. I would have just let things go with all of the failed treatments under my belt and would have just given up there. But nope. He has bigger and better things planned for me! So, after sitting on their advertisement for about a week, I finally mustered up the strength and called the clinic.
I let a message about myself and my diagnosis and asked if they could help. I got a phone call that night from a nice gentleman asking me if I could fill out some paperwork because he knew the doctor would want to hear about me. Paperwork complete and submitted the very next morning. That evening, I received a phone call from the doctor herself! She was kind and compassionate and genuinely felt bad for my situation. She explained to me the stem cell transplant procedure and that she wanted to “bank” (keep stored) my extra stem cells in case they needed to do more transplants. She told me I was a very unique case because of how complex I am. (Meaning all of the diagnoses I have and how sick I am). She said there were no cases or protocols like me to follow but she was willing to take me on as a patient and she looked forward to working with me! I am very excited about this upcoming venture! And while I know there is no guarantee, I am very hopeful this will finally put me in the right direction medically!
So yeah, I am thankful for all of the closed doors! Grateful for all of the jerk doctors who yelled at me. I am thankful for the past 4 years because it has taught me so much, despite having gone through hell. I learned I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. And I learned that I need to keep my sight and faith on God because He really knows what He is doing. He is working out His plan for me and I am right where I am supposed to be!
Gentle hugs,
Jenna
A Body at War 